THREE OF MY FAVORITE "GOOD" BRIDES AND ONE BAD ONE THAT I FORGOT

Most of the brides I dealt with were "GOOD" brides but here are my top 3.

ONCOLOGY NURSE BRIDE

This is my absolute favorite bride of all time.

It was a brutally hot day in Baltimore and the bride who was a pediatric oncology nurse at Hopkins had invited one of her little patients. The little girl was adorable , she had no hair but was all dressed up for her favorite nurse's wedding. I can imagine her talking with her little patient for weeks about her wedding plans and promising to invite her.

By the time we got to the reception the heat and excitement had taken its toll on the little girl and an ambulance had to be called. This bride stayed with her little patient comforting her and her mother, reassuring her that she didn't "ruin" anything. She also reassured us (staff and guests) that the little girl would be fine.

DOCTOR BRIDE

Compare this bride to the "dancing" bride in my previous post.

Another hot day in Baltimore. This wedding was on the boat "Clipper City". When the brides father started not feeling well this bride (who was also a doctor) stopped everything she was doing to take care of her Daddy. I know you may think any person would do that. Well think again haven't you ever watched "Bridezillas"

"KID FRIENDLY" BRIDE

This bride thought enough to provide an "activity" table for all the children at the reception. YOU GOTTA LOVE HER!

OK ONE MORE "BAD" BRIDE (and her mother)

I actually didn't attend this wedding but it was described to me by my sister. (the bride was marrying one of our family members)

It was a small wedding, only about 20 people with the reception at the brides mother's house.

The Bride insisted on cutting herself a piece of wedding cake for while it was still in the kitchen. (It's MY cake and I want some now! is what she said)

Also, though her mother had a cabinet displaying her good china everyone was served on paper plates. Now I ask you: If your daughter's wedding isn't a good enough time to break out the good china, what is?

OH, and yes they are now divorced.

"LOBSTER BRIDE" and other BAD Brides I have known

I've had lots of "BAD" brides and "GOOD" brides in all my years as a party manager but a few really stick out. Here they are: ("GOOD" brides in my next post)

LOBSTER BRIDE

I mentioned LOBSTER bride in a previous post.

If I had known ahead of time that I would have to manage this bride I would have run for the hills.When I was told we had to serve this bride and groom lobster while everyone else went to the buffet I was mortified. Even her mother tried to talk her out of it I heard. Her mother should have stood her ground. But then again she was the one who created this spoiled brat.

DRUNK BRIDE

I had drunk brides before but this one was so bad she threw up on the porch outside of the venue.

Why wasn't anyone keeping an eye on her? Maybe they should have hired a babysitter.

PHOTO BRIDE

The cocktail hour was over, everybody was hungry but where was the bride? Two hours after the ceremony she was still in the church having pictures taken. If I had been a guest at this wedding I would have left and taken my gift with me.

MY DAD MIGHT BE HAVING A HEART ATTACK BUT I'M GOING TO KEEP ON DANCING BRIDE

While her father waited on the front steps for an ambulance , this bride was dancing her ass off in the other room. In all fairness it was her bridesmaids who wouldn't tell her about it. I don't know if she knew or not. If she did know then I hate her. If she didn't know, when she found out she should have socked all those bridesmaids in the mouth. DADDY IS ALWAYS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING!!

CHAMPAGNE ONLY FOR ME BRIDE

If you can't afford champagne for everybody then "NO CHAMPAGNE FOR YOU"

MEDIEVAL BRIDE

The groom wore tights, the parents wore crowns and were referred to as "kings and queens"

the bride and groom were called the "prince and princess", all the guests had to eat with their hands. Technically this was not a "BAD" bride (I think it was all the groom's idea actually) but I felt like I was at a halloween party.

Thats it for now. Next time "GOOD" Brides

"BAD BRIDES" AND THE STUPID THINGS THEY DO

ALL YOU FUTURE BRIDES TAKE NOTE!:

DON"T WRITE YOUR OWN VOWS

It's embarrassing and stupid and self indulgent. If you two have all kinds of mushy things to say to each other, say it in private.

"For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others as long as you both shall live." has been said for hundreds of years and sounds pretty good to me. Believe me we really don't care that you are "best friends" and can't wait to "travel through life together"

yadda yadda

MAKE SURE YOU HAVE LIQUOR AND LOTS OF IT!!

We don't care if you or your husband are "recovering". Your guests want alcohol and you better give it to them. Even if it's only wine and beer. Just don't run out.

SAME GOES FOR VEGETARIANS! If there is nothing on the menu you can eat than don't fucking eat! Most Brides and grooms don't eat much anyway.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN PUBLIC MAY I PRESENT "MR. AND

MRS. SO AND SO!!"

This is so ridiculous. We know you just got married. We were there, remember?

YOUR "WEDDING WEBSITE" IS A HUGE WASTE OF CYBER SPACE

Who the hell thought this up? Don't you have better things to do with your time. Like hiring a band, DJ, caterer etc.

WEDDING PROGRAMS

This is not a Broadway show.

DON"T TAKE OFF YOUR VEIL FOR THE RECEPTION

How many times in your life do you get to wear a veil and look like a bride (one other time if your Catholic). Com'on look like "THE BRIDE" All the little girls at your wedding will worship you. Which brings me to:

"NO CHILDREN ALLOWED" WEDDINGS

Kids are fun. You never know what they will say or do next. Imagine all those little girls "dancin' on Daddy's shoes" and all those little boys sticking their fingers in you wedding cake. This is what makes great memories.

BRIDAL REGISTRIES

I'm not saying you shouldn't register. You definitely should. Just don't advertise it. Bridal registries are for guests that don't know you that well or have no imagination. Don't worry, they'll ask your mother or somebody else. When I registered at Macys for my wedding the saleswomen asked for my guest list so she could send out cards to all my guests. I told her in so many word that she was" out of her fucking mind."

STUPID WEDDING FAVORS WITH YOUR NAMES AND DATE

We don't want theses. REALLY! we don't.Well maybe your Grandma does.

Thats it for now. I'm sure I'll think of more though.

"MY" rules for brides

After 13 years working as a "party manager" for Sascha's (the best caterer in Baltimore) and doing tons of weddings I've seen a lot of good and bad brides. Here are "MY" rules:

1. IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!

Contrary to what you believe and the consultants on "Say Yes To The Dress" say you are not "Queen For A Day". Your reception is a party for the friends and family who have come to wish you well and celebrate with you. I once had a bride who insisted on being served lobster while all her guests went to the buffet. If you want lobster or anything else "special" , have it on your honeymoon.

2.DON"T HAVE A LONG RECEPTION

I know you want this day to last forever but your guests don't (trust me on this) . It is proper for guests to wait for the cake to be cut before they leave. Don't drag it out.

3. THROW YOUR "REAL" BOUQUET

A lot of florists will provide "throw" bouquets. What the hell do you want to save your bouquet for? (please don't dry it and hang it on your wall YUK!)

4.NO CASH BARS

If you are even thinking about this you are a "BAD BRIDE" Same goes for tip jars on the bar.(one of my pet peeves as a party manager) Don't allow your caterer to do this. These are your guests they shouldn't have to pay for anything. (would you expect them to tip you for making them a drink at your home or pay for it for that matter?)

5.UNLESS YOU HAVE MICHELLE OBAMA ARMS DON'T GO STRAPLESS

Someone needs to say it.The wedding dress consultants won't.

6.IF YOU ARE PREGNANT DON'T WAIT TILL AFTER THE BABY IS BORN TO GET

MARRIED

Pregnant brides are beautiful. Give your child the "best" start. If you want to look slim in your dress you should have used birth control.

7.DON'T SPEND MORE THAN YOU OR YOUR PARENTS CAN AFFORD

The scale of your wedding should be in proportion to your means. Anything else is in bad taste.

Beautiful weddings can be done on a budget. Please don't make your parents get a second mortgage on their house. Save that for your children's education.

8.SPEND YOUR MONEY ON WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT

Food, Music, Liquor Which leads me to:

9. SPENDING MORE THAN A THOUSAND DOLLARS ON A DRESS IS OBSCENE !!

Unless your father is a CEO or your a movie star there are plenty of beautiful dresses to be had at decent prices. Try the internet (you can get a dress just like Audrey Hepburn's in "Funny Face for $159.) Don't forget the "markup" on wedding dresses at bridal salons is very high. (I can't wait to blog about the "consultants" on SYTTD)

10.LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER

This is really more "her" day. Yes, even if she's not paying.

11. IT"S ONLY ONE DAY

Just like the pregnant women who are obsessed with their "birthing" experience. This is only one day and

you have your whole life ahead of you.

That's it for now. I have way more to come.